A Counterfeit Love

August 03, 2022 THE MMA TEAM

I grew up in a two parent home with my mom and my step dad. They never married but he was the only dad I knew. My biological father was shot and killed when my mom was 6 months pregnant with me.

My relationship with my step dad was non existent; there was no communication, no affirmation or effort made to validate me as a little girl or young woman. I witnessed a lot of infidelity on his part and I saw how it affected my mom. These things caused me to resent him a lot.

My mom on the other hand was a very loving woman and more involved but not in a way that was affirming either. We didn’t connect on a personal level and in our home we were not encouraged to speak up about how we felt about certain things, because it would be viewed as disrespectful, so I was silent about my feelings and I struggled internally because I didn’t have a healthy outlet.

I was around 10 when I started noticing my attraction to girls and although I didn’t understand it at the time I was ashamed of it and felt a deep sense that it was wrong.  I experienced lots of sexual abuse as a child from both men and women and I was introduced to porn when I was about 12.  All of these things opened up different doors to the demonic.

Between the ages of 16 and 19 I was involved in two heterosexual relationships that resulted in me having one child each with both of them. Despite having those two relationships my attraction to women never went away it only got stronger, and at 19 I came out to my mom. 

She thought that since I had kids, it was just a phase I was going through, but that turned into more than 10 years in the lesbian lifestyle.

I wasn’t raised in the church. My mom told me about God growing up and I believed that He was real but it never went any further then that. My parents were not followers of Christ, only believers, and as an adult, I had never read the bible.

At the age of 23 I finally stepped foot into a church with my then girlfriend of 6 years, after being invited by a mutual friend. After the service I asked the pastor bible in hand, to show me where in the Bible it says two women can’t love each other and he took me to Leviticus 20:13 where I saw God’s wrath.

It scared me but it didn’t change my life or my mind as I continued in my ways for several more years after that, but it did cause me to question my behaviors and for the first time that I can remember, I started to think about life after physical death.

My girlfriend and I broke up and eventually I started dating someone else and two years into that relationship I stepped foot into the church again but this time it was different. The Pastor sat down with me and my then girlfriend and for the first time ever I heard the gospel. I learned that Jesus died in my place. He became the atonement for me because he loves me, even though I didn’t love him. This was good news to me and I believed this with all my heart. 

I felt convicted for the first time and realised that my sin was offensive to God and that he wanted me to repent and trust in Him and His plan for my life.

Not knowing everything right away or what to expect, I gave Jesus my yes.

It was a challenging journey in the beginning, but the more I put one foot in front of the other, the more He showed me that he was always available and trustworthy along the way.

I changed my mind and He changed my heart and desires.

Because of Jesus, I have divorced the false identity I once embraced, because of Jesus I no longer desire a counterfeit love affair. Because of Jesus I now know my true identity which is only found in Him. Because  of Jesus, I am no longer a slave to sin, I am no longer bound by fear, abandonment, rejection, an orphan spirit, sexual perversion, confusion, pride or any other spirit that is not the Holy Spirit.

I am redeemed, accepted, justified, clean, Holy, righteous, this is who I am! His chosen vessel, HIS called out one, I am his beloved, and He is mine.

As I continued in Christ I realised that my homosexuality was not the problem, but that it was deeply rooted in two things: the abandonment that came from loosing my biological father and never knowing him, and the rejection from my stepfather and never experiencing the love and attention and validation that I needed from a father.

There were other things too, but those two spirits were the gate keepers for other issues that evolved and became hidden deep within me. I had to learn how to let Jesus into the safe of my heart so that He could reveal and heal. I didn’t realise how much was hidden in me that was keeping me in bondage and darkness.

There are a vast array of circumstances that can cause one to identify as someone other than the image bearer that God intended them to be, this is my journey.

I am passionate about seeing people who identify as LGBTQ set free from the wrong version of themselves and walking in the freedom that Jesus paid for them to have.

You can connect with Janaeva on IG and her website where you can purchase her book “What color is freedom? Lasting liberty through deeper Intimacy with Jesus”.

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