I was pulled into an abyss of an already darkened world by my spiritual blindness. I believed in God but didn’t really know who He was.
This path of destruction was paved with despair that left me feeling lonely, sad, deserted, and hopeless.
I was a scared insecure child. All I ever wanted was to be loved, but it became something else which started as perverted abuse as a young child.
I tried to have boyfriends, but even through my teenage years this was a struggle.
One attempted to rape me and as a result, I was extremely uncomfortable and fearful of boys who would later become men. I was afraid to let my feelings out, so I kept them hidden.
I began experimenting with alcohol and discovered I liked the sense of being ‘free’. I was very naive and lost all inhibitions as I felt I was no longer held captive inside my body.
One night I went to a house, thinking I was going to have a couple drinks with other people. Once I arrived, I found I was alone. The house was dark. Two men took advantage of me and stripped me of every inch of dignity I had.
I stayed silent of this rape.
At the time I didn’t identify any of my past experiences as sexual assault and abuse. I stayed silent. I blamed myself.
Later, I was introduced to cocaine. My newest friends were“drug lords.”
I was drawn into an underground world completely covered in darkness where killings were rampant. I was trapped under their influence.
One night I was led with a runner to a hotel room with no way out. Nothing happened, but that feeling of entrapment came flooding in from what I now know as complex PTSD.
My fear of men ran deep. I didn’t know how to face what I was afraid of. I was torn up. This secret stayed bottled up in agonizing silence and led to the attraction of other women.
One night the shame was more than I could bare. I attempted to drink myself to death.
Not too long after that I met a woman and for the first time felt safe and deeply in love. Drinking was set aside for only special occasions.
After 15 years, it fell apart from the tragedies of life. I was left completely devastated and my heart was shattered in pieces. I began to physically hurt.
Alcohol gave me the escape once again. Death returned to knock on my door. This time with the question, “How many Xanax could I take to safely knock me out?” What I didn’t know was even the minimum amount was more than my heart could bare.
I longed to fill my brokenness and find love. I began experimenting by going to gay bars. What I found were people like me.
I belonged, felt safe, and was understood. I thought I found new friends. The next few years, I had a few more relationships.
I was an emotional mess and my longing to be loved became deeply meshed with broken relationships.
I started drinking heavily from not knowing how to cope from the mental and emotional abuse from one of these relationships.
One night after an argument with my girlfriend, I found myself at a bar where a man bought me a couple of strong drinks. His advances became extremely inappropriate.
The moment I found a way to escape, I left. I was pulled over by the police as soon as I left the parking lot and was arrested. I went straight to jail and charged with a DUI.
My last relationship where I thought I found love, was filled with verbal, emotional and spiritual abuse. I didn’t feel safe and was extremely afraid of her.
By God’s power the door was finally shut.
Not too long after that I got pulled over for speeding. I thought I had waited enough time, but an alcohol reading of .08 showed otherwise.
It was a hard lesson for which I take full responsibility and thank God I didn’t have more alcohol in my system where by no harm was done to anyone else.
I went straight to jail. This time I cried out to God, “Please help me, I am so sorry, I will do anything.”
God showed me a story about someone else who had been convicted of a DUI. Tears came flooding in. I wasn’t alone. I reached out to that person in my hopeless despair. I was scared and full of shame, but I couldn’t believe how God’s love poured into me through somebody I didn’t even know. It is a moment in my life I will never forget.
The DUI was a blessing in disguise because it is when I truly started seeking God with all my heart. My relationship with Him became alive. This is when I surrendered and gave not only my heart, but my life to Jesus as my Lord and Savior.
God had done so much healing in revealing truth, but I wanted to go even deeper, and this is exactly what He did through a Living Waters course where He focused on my sexual confusion and abuse.
When I spoke from my heart in a safe group, it brought another level of healing from all the pain of abuse I incurred during the darkest times of my past. I wasn’t alone that night.
Someone was by my side, held my hand and wept with me.
As I spoke, the reality of the pain Jesus endured on that cross, where He bore it all and took it upon Himself came alive and I heard Him say, “I have always loved you with an everlasting love.”
I have now been living a life of sobriety for over 5 years by the grace of God. Jesus is now the One who fills up every broken, empty place with the gift of the Holy Spirit residing in me.
Drugs and alcohol were once the lingering effects of the devastation from trauma of sexual abuse and assault.
The cleansing love of Jesus Christ like I have never experienced before now resides in my heart.
The Lord delivered me from the debilitating fear of men that plunged me into pursuing gay relationships.
The love for my ex was and is real, but it is different as the Lord is the love of my life. I am no longer fearful of men or living a past life as a gay woman.
I have been set free by the precious blood of Jesus.
Jesus said to the people who believed in Him, “You are truly My disciples if you remain faithful to My teachings. And you will know the truth and the truth will set you free.” John 8:31-32 NLT
The truth is real love is in Jesus.
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