My whole life I have always felt lost.
My parents split up when I was a baby and I didn’t know my Dad. My Step Dad was very abusive to my Mum. We ran away a couple of times but he always found us.
I’m not saying this for sympathy, but the back story is relevant.
My young mind ranted and at 16 I left home to start the process of filling the void. I moved in with a man, who I thought loved me, but he didn’t. He couldn’t fill the hole in my life.
After 4 years I cheated and he beat me up. I lost the whole use of one ear and the cycle continued.
To fill the void I met someone else. I thought he loved me but he didn’t and we broke up, and I drank and took drugs.
The void still laughed at me.
I met another man who I thought loved me but he didn’t.
This time we had a baby together and then he left. I coped and loved.
I met another man who I thought loved me but m he didn’t. We had a baby and he cheated.
I coped and loved my 2 children.
I met another man who I thought loved me but he he didn’t. We had a baby.
He hurt me, he scared me and I carried so much shame for years.
I loved my three children but felt lost and unlovable.
I dipped in and out of Church.
At 30 I got baptised, but I always had a plan B in case I wasn’t accepted by the ‘Big Man’.
I started to “cope” with life by turning any outward pain, inwards on myself. The self harming behaviours turned my life upside down.
I cried ALOT and bought a cat whom I called Void (yes really).
Life went on and my goodness things continued to happen until one day I threw my hands up and cried “that’s it, I’m done, I give up, I surrender” and a voice replied “finally”.
From that day amazing things started to happen, I found Him. He loves me (He really does). He forgave and comforted me.
My life became peaceful, contented, manageable, I realised my worth. It turns out I am enough. My three gifts from God are a credit to me. I have no shame.
I can’t explain why it took me so long or why He didn’t show Himself sooner? Maybe I was too stubborn to listen (deffo was) but once I did, I felt and continue to feel whole & enough.
Just be brave enough to hand it over.....allow Him in......once you do, BOOM, problems solved, by the Grace of God......solved.
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