Most little girls dream of finding prince charming, getting married and having the standard 2.5 children. As children, we read and watch movies that tell us we can have the fairytale life complete with a white picket fence.
My childhood was far from normal and did not resemble my best friend’s healthy, loving family at all. How I would dream of belonging to my friend’s family where there were such peace, love, and harmony. My family home was the opposite, it was full of fear, anger, abuse, and hatred.
My dream of getting married and then having children didn’t quite go to plan when I became pregnant at 16.
I was looking for love in all the wrong places and had a huge hole in my heart that needed to be desperately filled. Unfortunately, I was filling that void with sexual sin.
Life got real hard after giving birth to my son. My teenage years virtually dissolved right in front of me. This led to a dark depression and only got worse when my son’s father left me for one of my best friends.
I never gave up hope that one day I would marry a great man and have children together. I was raised a strict Roman Catholic, but I did not have a personal relationship with Jesus. I thought He was distant, angry, and aloof. But one day, I cried out to this unknown God for a husband.
A year after praying this prayer, I married my best friend and the one I had prayed for. He had all the qualities I asked God for. Truly, I believed this would finally be happily ever after for me. I went into my marriage believing wholeheartedly that my time for the fairytale life would finally unfold.
Nothing even came close!
We had major issues from the beginning and I already had a 7-year-old son. My husband and I were both raised in dysfunctional homes: We were two broken people just trying to make our marriage work.
Three years into the marriage I was ready to start our family, but after a year of trying, we went to the doctor who referred us to a fertility doctor. I thought, “How can this be!” The doctor must be wrong but I’ll entertain what she wants us to do by going to this fertility doctor.
Over the years, I have had two miscarriages. One almost took me under it was so painful, but the emotional pain was so much worse.
I am sure you are wondering, “Why didn’t you just adopt?” Well, we wanted to but my son began experiencing problems in the 7th grade.
From that day on until he left our house as an adult, he became addicted to drugs. He was placed in Mercy House and Teen Challenge. I was worn out from dealing with my son to even think of adopting or even trying to have a baby. The only thing I wanted to do was sleep.
Almost 22 years later, I am still married, but God!
My son is not where I want him to be, but he is not where he used to be. His full deliverance will come as well. We do not have biological children of our own, but we support monthly missionaries who have a foster care ministry, including a child from Thailand-my husband’s birthplace.
Did I get my fairytale? No, but I have come to recognize that my life is something far greater than a fairytale: it can be a beacon of hope to those who are hurting, lost, and broken.
I asked God as soon as I got saved to use me for His Kingdom. I had no idea that meant I would need to go through many trials and difficulties to get me to a place that I can finally believe God IS a good Father no matter what.
I am a little rough around the edges. You just can tell I have been through some stuff, but I have deep compassion for the hurting.
I know without my relationship with Jesus I would be beyond hardened, and into all sorts of mind-altering substances to alleviate the pain. I would be full of anger, hatred, and bitterness, not to say I have not battled these demons.
God has stamped on my head overcomer! And with that same overcoming spirit that I have I desire to lead others to become overcomers as well.
Being knocked down in life does not mean that is the end. There is hope in God, and His plan is always good.
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