For many years I was in a place of deep depression and despair.
I had always struggled with low moods, negative thinking, and toxic emotions.
I was confused about my life, dealing with rejection and struggling with the unresolved issues of unforgiveness.
At the age of 19, I decided to start attending a church regularly and be intentional about my relationship with God. It became my new lifestyle of being a dedicated 'born-again Christian’ and over the 10 years, I started to want to serve in my church.
I was trying to be that girl that supported other women around me, but deep down I was suffering and in need of help the most.
I went through periods of deeply seeking God and wanting to change. I often thought God how am I serving you and still dealing with the intense trails of lust, depression, and hopelessness?. Doesn’t the Bible say when you become a new creation old things pass away and all things become new? So God what was going on then with me?
The truth be told I ‘played church well!’
I hid my deep troubles and felt like getting married would solve my problems, so attention seeking and getting a man became my idol.
As the idea grew in my heart, it became the main focus.
I started to open up to friendships that I knew I shouldn't, and started going places that I also knew I shouldn’t.
In church, I wanted to be that ‘Godly woman’ but in my heart, I wasn’t.
Over and over again as I held my idols close to my heart, God would say 'give me your heart Kelechi’ But I didn’t. I was like “God you can have this part! Take my depression away, have my monthly tithes but I’m keeping this sin close! I know the kind of man I want so I’m going to find him myself”.
Then God allowed the greatest storm in my life. I got pregnant. Yep! unexpectedly, and no I wasn't married!
My world changed, and I felt my life was over! “God, how could you allow this? Why me? Why would you open my womb? I didn’t ask you too? Lord this child can’t come into this world like this. What would people say about me? No!”
That then led to me almost losing my mind ‘figuratively’, hallucinating, being excommunicated from my Church, and losing people around me.
But that great storm became my biggest blessing.
During my pregnancy and in a lot of emotional pain, I started to seek God like never before.
In my 10 years of going to church regularly, serving, and being 'saved' I never read my bible or prayed consistently. I didn't know God because I didn’t know his word. I didn’t understand who He was in character or what he thought about me or my situation. I knew what man thought, and I was allowing those negative thoughts to run around in my mind, and shape my destiny.
No longer! I started to make intentional steps to open my bible, pray to God for help to read, listen to the Word of God, and then later start to study it.
God opened my eyes and showed me that I was carrying things Jesus had already died for.
In reality, yes, I had lost a church family, my reputation and dreams of the my ‘perfect future’ but I also found the greatest gift! I understood that I must accept the life that I had been given in order to live.
The Holy Spirit started to provide comfort, gave me time to heal and the understanding that my purpose was indeed in everything I had experienced. It had not been allowed to destroy me! I could still know Jesus Christ and find out who I am truly am in him. Not in a man, or a status or even the Church.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11[NLT].
God has moved in my life and my heart. He allows me to be daily satisfied by His word and I acknowledge my internal struggle and issues daily, I have found hope after the storm of getting pregnant unexpectedly.
I now have a 3 years old daughter who I describe as God’s extension of HIS love and grace towards me. I am in the right and am now stepping into purpose.
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