At the age of 11, I compared myself to all my friends. Searching in others, what I longed would be a part of me.
Wondering why I was not as bold, as beautiful, or as smart. Why I was not chosen amongst the rest. Why the name I was born with was not more unique or African enough.
Eventually, I began to pick at my weight when statements hurled at questioned if I ate and why my legs were so small.
Other words soon came after about my face, my lips, matching me up to a horse, how unwanted I was, and that I would never be the first choice in a relationship.
These words, these insults, became my truth. I drenched myself in it.
When I woke up, before I left my house, mentally beating myself up, telling myself that no one wanted to hear what I wanted to say or know how I was feeling. And at home, I couldn’t speak about these things either, so they became bottled up and bubbled inside of me.
I became quieter and quieter until I became mute. Entering a stage of my life that I didn’t know was symptomatic of an identity crisis, depression, anxiety, and skinny shaming.
Before attending a university that was my second choice, I watched a YouTube video of a girl who spoke about her experiences and finished it with two questions to think about: either I use these next three years to develop a true relationship with God or continue as I have been. From that moment on, I chose the first option, to seek and develop a relationship with Jesus.
Along with a friend, we went ‘church-hopping’ and after a short while, I found myself becoming invested in the church. A thing I didn't know was even possible and thought was only for the elite.
I didn’t know how good it would feel releasing it all and lifting my hands up in worship, as I always thought it was weird, having been raised a catholic. I was sceptical of what people would think, but God used that time to draw me even closer.
Looking back over my life, God placed specific people in my life to nudge me in the right direction, and with their help, I experienced Godly encounters and what I like to call inklings from the Holy Spirit for myself.
He told me that being soft-spoken, sassy, cute, slim in body frame and multi-talented wasn't a bad thing. In fact, that was EXACTY how He wanted to create me because why would He create me to be like anyone else?
“…for you are a chosen people. You are royal priests, a holy nation, God’s very own possession… for He called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.” – 1 Peter 2:9 NLT
I wrote my first blog post, “You Are Not A Nobody” as a self-reaffirmation of who I was, which is now an audio devotion as a voice from God, softly reminding me that after all those years, I am still not a nobody.
As the good, good father that He is, He gently and faithfully led me back to reclaiming my identity and self-worth in Him. And in Him alone. Waiting to envelope me into His steadfast love, no matter where I found myself.
It's funny to think that the truth, the truth of who I am, has been in front of me the whole time.
And now I have learnt to say: I am not a nobody. I am God's somebody. He loves all of me and that is more than enough. #LOVED
Love A Crowned Soul.
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