A few years back I was in a year long abusive relationship. They type of relationship that tore me down to the point of not knowing who I was anymore, let alone who’s I was.
I was in a deep deep pit that was suffocating all the life out of my soul. I lived a year long period of my life paralyzed because of what had happened to me. No one in my life knew the true trauma that had taken place, nor did they seek to ask how I was doing. I had broken up with him – I should’ve automatically been okay.
My panic grew as time progressed and I would lock up. My brain would shut down to keep me from processing what was happening. I would have panic attacks daily and the ability to get out of bed grew slimmer. When we broke up, I believed that I would be fine – but I wasn’t. I ended up failing a whole year of college and couldn’t tell anyone out of fear that they would see me differently. I saw the darkness closing in and I knew that I needed a change.
Amid all of that an amazing and gracious God stepped into my mess. The mess of my heart and mind – and the mess of neglecting the truth and listening to worldly lies of not being good enough. He didn’t impose Himself on me, or instantly start cleaning out the garbage of my heart. He sat in it with me and comforted my soul. He reminded me what I was like to be His child and to be loved by an uncircumstancial love. After a while of sitting, He gently told me that I couldn’t stay where I was. God desires so much more than a grungy pit for His children, and piece by piece I was picked up. I was saved from myself and reminded of the truth of Scripture.
God saw my fears and unknowns and walked through them with me. He knew what I needed and spoke to that. What used to paralyze me began to be my story of redemption. A story of God taking someone who had been abused and still being able to use them for His glory. God loves His children and desires for them to be holy and blameless. Throughout that whole process I cannot say that I wasn’t in sin. I was desiring a relationship and the “idea” of being loved to replace the true love found in Christ. I was seeking satisfaction in a person rather than Christ. I was longing to be loved in an intimate way and seeking that from another person instead of Christ.
I have found that satisfaction comes from Christ alone. I have searched for love and satisfaction in many places’ such as relationships, love, lust, work, food – you name it. All those things are false lovers when they are placed in the throne that’s meant for God. They will over promise and under deliver, constantly leaving you wanting more.
We have this promise in Scripture that if we seek God, we will find Him if we seek Him with our whole heart. God desires for us to abide in Him and make our home in Him. To have Him be the foundation for all that we do and to not compromise for worldly things even thought they may be more convenient. God wants our ALL – and my yes is on the table. I have tasted and seen what the world tastes like and I can’t even remotely compare to God. I had forgotten the truth that I was fully loved and fully forgiven in Christ. That Christ chose me and predestined me for adoption that I may be holy and blameless (Ephesians 1:4-5). That in Christ I was a new creation, the old had passed away and the new had come (2 Corinthians 5:17). That the same spirit that resurrected Christ from the dead lives in me! That I wasn’t bound by the sin patterns spoken over my life.
Now I know my value and I know what it’s like to be in a healthy relationship. It’s one that speaks life over you instead of death. A continual seeking to become more like Christ in the midst of the chaos. A love that surpasses the baggage that you bring in from the past. God’s faithfulness surpasses all understanding, and I live by these truths. Knowing that I am fully known and fully loved has changed my life.
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