To be honest, I have many testimonies about God’s goodness and faithfulness, but one of my favorite stories is God healing me from emotional turmoil. Throughout the years, my soul and spirit had become wounded by disappointment, loss, grief, trauma, a tense adolescent home life, and feeling abandoned by God. I didn’t realize that by not healing from past pain it made my wounds stay active. At times, they felt “buried alive.”
By the time I had entered into my 20’s, I started to feel like something was wrong with me or “off,” but I didn’t know what it could be. I felt fatigued often, “empty,” and unfilled. Now looking back, I realized that although I was living, “I was just existing.” I can still vividly remember driving in my car (when I was in college) pleading with God to “give up on me.” During that time, I could feel His presence near me, but I wanted Him to stop caring about me because I had stopped caring about me.
My soul was broken, resentful, angry, and devastated. Why was I so broken…you ask? Well, there were many reasons why, but one main reason was because my life had turned up-side down when I lost my parents.
My mother passed when I was 15 years old, and father passed when I was 17 years old. I felt like my world had ended. I just couldn’t imagine a life without parents.
Unbeknown to me, after their deaths, I had subconsciously vowed to “not live” because I didn’t want to live life without them. As crazy as this may sound, it was very “real” for me and it caused me to be depressed for many years and feel stagnate in life. I was angry and mad at God so I didn’t care about anything else. I didn’t care about having a “purpose filled-driven life.” All I really wanted was my parents back.
I felt so abandoned by God because I believe He should not have let them die. I had been done “wrong” and I was acting self-righteous because I felt like “bad things shouldn’t have to God’s people.” Ignorant thinking…right? But we can easily be deceived and tricked by the enemy, if we mediate on negative thoughts more so than the Word of God.
Truthfully, it is difficult to imagine that I ever felt this way before, but I thank God for changing my mind set. It took crying out to God fervently to change my heart along with fasting and personal worship time. These were my weapons of warfare in the Spirit.
God also used divinely-inspired mentors and various church families to heal and deliver me. Honestly, it has taken many years for me to walk in freedom and I am still on an emotional healing journey, but I not the same woman I used to be 5 years or even 10 years ago.
I am free in Jesus name. “Who the Son sets free…is free indeed,” John 8:36. God has so much for me and you to do, but we must surrender to allowing Him to heal us from the in-side-out.
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