My feelings poured out today
In a very unexpected way
I’m use to being let down
This time I had to readjust my crown
My faith being tried
My tongues being tied
LIfe keeps moving forward
My hope today felt left behind
Tomorrow I will wake up new
And my new today
Will be lead by only You
My boxing gloves will be strapped tight
I will face this monster
With all my might
My body is done
The Lord God the only one
He has a perfect plan
I will follow
I will be content with all that I am
I am no less than any other
Even if reproduction it has bothered
My seed is not dead
God is leading me ahead
There’s a child waiting for me
One day I will see
And I’ll wonder why it took me so long
To see this beautiful
It doesn’t have to be a child from my womb
For God is the giver,
We just need to make room
Every child is borrowed
So I will not drown in my sorrow
For a child’s hope and light
I could be shining for them tonight.
I remember writing this poem back in 2017. It had been 4 years since I had my daughter Gwyneth. My beautiful girl, she is an amazing gift! However, I never saw myself with just one child.
I didn’t know I was going to battle infertility when I got married. I didn’t know I would have to fight to have a family and I didn’t know my sister was also going to battle it at a deeper level.
My sister is a beautiful and amazing Worship Minister, and I simply can’t fathom why she can’t have children.
I have my human moments and I have some pretty intense conversations with God. I get upset and I’ve yelled at Him, asking Him why would He allow such a thing. I know He hears me because I always feel Him pull me in His arms. The Holy Spirit wraps himself around me and I cry, and lift praises up to Him because I know He has better for her and all those that battle this ugly thing.
I have a theological reasoning as to why we blame God for humanistic problems. In short term though, we live in a dying world. We live in a world that is going to pass away and in the end, this world won’t matter.
I have seen the miraculous hand of God in my life one too many times to doubt Him. Time and time again, God has seen me through the deepest parts of my life that are unexplainable. At the same time, He has come through on a moment's notice that would make you a believer in that instant.
And then my mind wanders far into its abyss. What if those who can’t have children possess a set of qualities that those of us with children don’t have?
After all, children are literally like little judgment books that walk around with you everywhere. The word of God says “Your children will be your judges”.
Man, Isn't that the truth! They don’t even realize some things they say that can hit you deeper than you expected.
So today, I dedicate this blog post to all the Mothers who have children that are not their own.
To the aunties, sisters, godmothers and grandmothers that have graciously taken in their extended family as their own.
To those who raise their hands in amazing Praise. Lifting Praises Up over and over again.
Today I applaud you, oh beautiful woman, as God declares: “You’re perfectly fine and beautifully made!!”
“I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.” - Psalm 139:14 (ESV)
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