I’ve always had my ducks in a row. I earned the straight A's, won all the Awana trophies, and mastered the "good girl" calling.
But in 2019, I discovered that I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), more specifically, a branch known as Pure/Intrusive Thought OCD. For once, my world wasn't tied up in a perfect red bow.
Since then, I’ve journeyed through this process of turning flaws and fears into words that share Jesus' grace and mercy that I've found on my mental health journey.
A basic church kid, I had always known that a super compassionate Jesus was the only way to heaven. He's it. He's the only One with ducks that never swim out of row or quack too loud. But no matter how many Bible verses I recited, my OCD, mixed with heavy bouts of religious childhood trauma, blocked out that truth. My heart and head couldn't rationalize how Jesus wasn't standing over me with a big, scary javelin.
Forgiven and saved, I still exhausted myself trying to prove that I could somehow earn an extra gold star from the One Who flung them all throughout the galaxies.
But, when your OCD is defined as a cascading list of bad, irrational thoughts that tend to catalyze unhealthy, fierce mood swings, you can't play the "good girl" role so well any more.
Instead, you look to a really good God Who doesn't bail when you mess up. You let Him do all of your talking and walking and you just stand behind Him and cry, wave your hands to the sky, and do whatever you do to let Him know that He's the true King.
And once you feel that safe with God, life doesn't have to look so perfect. No more red bows. No more ducks. Just a flawed you with a flawless God.
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