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A Painful Walk To Wholeness

December 17, 2020 THE MMA TEAM


As human beings we share a strong desire for love
. So often as little girls watching Disney Channel conditions us to dream of our wedding and to cherish the idea of prince charming. I myself longed for that love. I pursued it in relationships from a young age but in my quest for love the unconditional and perfect love of Jesus Christ found me.

I have struggled with self-esteem, comparison and lots of insecurities. I did not value myself because I always felt as though I was not enough. The thoughts in my mind were scary, demeaning, and just sad.

I lost my main source of affection and love at the age of ten. My mother was my best friend who was always there, non-judging and just so loving. One morning I left for school like every other morning not knowing that there would be no other mornings with her in this life. 

Losing my mother was the most painful hurt I experienced. I did not have the mental ability to understand and cope. So, I then withdrew in isolation and just tried to survive. I managed to do the right things and get the right grades but, on the inside, I was slowly losing myself as I repressed my emotions and lived in a web of darkness.

In my early teens, I now invested in romantic relationships to pursue love. I engaged in this behavior because I did not want to be alone but rather wanted comfort, security and affection.

I was trying to fill a void thinking that pursuing love would make me whole, happy and complete, not knowing that my lack of self-esteem and ability to choose right would bring me deeper agony.

See, I was trying to attract value, but I could not because although I myself am valuable I acted contrary to that truth about my identity. And therefore, I was someone of value walking in brokenness and only able to attract brokenness yielding simply more brokenness.

Ooh in all the burdens I carried and went through as a young girl, little did I know that God was thinking of me.

Despite the hopeless road I walked, I had seed for Christ planted on the inside of me. I was taught to read at the age of three and shortly after starting to read my mother made me wake up every morning to read my bible out loud. I was not thrilled but she never gave into my tantrum. Her doing so was her way of putting me on the path of righteousness and by putting me there, God indeed walked with me.

I gave Jesus my life at 15, a hard time for me where I hit a crossroad and felt I was coming to an end. At church on a Sunday morning I heard a voice saying “they’re gonna ask you to go up you have to go up”. Indeed, I thought I was hearing voices and being irrational because Sunday service was almost done but what is beautiful is that as blessings were being spoken over the assembly, halfway through the announcer stopped and made the altar call. Although I was very shy, I got up and my life changed ever since.

 After, I was overwhelmed with joy and and I felt different. I couldn’t really pin what I was feeling but it was good.

Early on in my walk with Christ, HE instructed me to end certain relationships and to solely focus on Him. I did not do that and rather prolonged in disobedience.  

I have learnt the hard way that when God gives instructions, HE expects us to follow through.

I soon realised that I was not going to progress in life until I did what HE was instructing me to do. So, eventually I did.

It was a hard place to be because I had defined myself by my relationships and I hadn’t been alone in such a long time. I was nervous and anxious about it, but that’s how I grew in my faith.  I trusted that as God silenced the noise in my life HE was going to make me new.

As I followed in obedience and was seeing the supernatural power of God at work in my life, the devil would try and trigger my weaknesses. But in the midst of it all, I held onto God.

Jesus became my friend and more than a character spoken about in church. HE has also brought new friends into my life who have purpose and are walking with Him.

Jesus mends whole. He fathers, HE instructs, HE cherishes, and HE guides.

Now that I have experience perfect love, I look towards my father’s eyes for everything. I am learning to love myself and to love others. I have and continue to learn to forgive.

By grace, I continuously work on the areas of my life where I have a deficit. In my walk with Christ, I have learnt that life with God is not about being perfect as only HE is perfect. 

I thank you for taking the time out of your day to read a portion of my story. I pray in Jesus name that you are empowered to take the leaps of faith God has placed on your heart because on the other side of your obedience is his plan of glory for your life and on the other side of your thirst for holiness is a life of longing righteousness and fulfilment.

I pray that your refuge in this life may be found in Jesus alone, and that whatever difficulties may come your way, that you have hold on to your faith and position in Christ. 

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